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Addictive Personality

TW SUBSTANCES

I have always been addicted to things, for a long time. I started doing drugs at 13 years old. It gave me an escape. I could "control" myself being high more than I could when I was sober. Substances for me has always been thrilling and fascinating. Altered states. Having DID I can remember myself in grade school being a told I'd day dream a lot. I remember the feeling of dissociation all through my life. Where when life was too hard for me, I would just check out. That got harder as I grew up into my teens, i was a target amongst my peers, I never caught a break.

Substances were my literal break. In order to keep in life, from falling apart, I did drugs. Started as an experiment to see what would happen. I never stopped from there. It moved from what ifs to looking up how much I needed to get high. I was resistant to anti depressants, or so they thought when I was younger. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13 but they didn't know what else. I stashed the rest of my med bottles, or just enough that my mother wouldn't notice into my room for a rainy day. I still to this day, can't get rid of my left over meds. I grew up and so did my addictions. Tolerances built up over time. At some point in my late teens / early 20s, I was addicted to alcohol, prescription medication, marijuana, all at once. I sought drug counselling, I did a few substance abuse groups, I even quit drinking for probably something like 9 months to a year, I can't remember. I still say: the only reason I'm not addicted to more substances is because I don't have clear access. I don't know what about substances that just grew with me. Something consistent? Something comforting? Something I needed. It definitely feels like I needed it. I needed it to escape my reality in a way that I knew I wanted. Nearly 13 years of addiction later, I am working on not over doing it and it's working. I usually know when to stop and that solves A LOT of my substance abuse problems but not all. Moderation is key, a drug counsellor told me once. I believe it. I don't think I could ever become substance free. I seriously don't think that that would be a possibility of my life turning out. My parts and I have conflicting, flip flopping opinions on drugs and alcohol but what we come to consensus about is that: Knowing what your "moderation" looks like and to no overdo it. Moderation is key. Don't get me wrong: Moderation is hard for a person with an addictive personality.


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