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Deduction: How I found out about my alters

Things were happening. Things were happening to my body that I did not want. I turned into a different person with different wants and needs. I found out about my first alter Bree. Being way more feminine than I am, she had a different outlook on my, our, relationship at the time. Most of the time when I was with this person, I was different. I would consent to things that I, Kevin, did not want. I worked with myself, being co conscious most of the time, to let Bree come through, not knowing that she was an alter. I would say to my partner at the time that: XYZ is ok only when I initiate it or I said it was ok. When I felt a certain way - which was Bree's presence, she would give the ok. Which sort of worked but I still didn't remember in detail what would happen after my partner and I were given the ok. I would only remember the physical sensation of discomfort and betrayal from myself. I "wanted" this to happen. I gave the ok. Why did I feel so wrong most of the time? Because it wasn't me.

When my partner and I broke up, Bree was furious, She was enraged and she took it out on me. I started to see more of her. I would not quite remember conversation with said person and I wouldn't remember or know why I'd be dressing in very feminine clothes at home, not planning to go anywhere for the night. I would have sent snap chats that I don't really remember in said clothes. I had saved photos that didn't feel like me. Why was I finding myself in these situations? I didn't really remember why I was dressed like that but I'd take it off and move on. At first I thought I was having fun with gender, which i often do. I like to mix and match feminine and masculine clothes, I like to mix those two worlds, dip into all masculine things then feminine things. That doesn't bother me but why was I so unhappy with "my" own actions and decisions?

I knew about DID from watching US of Tara when it came out in my early teens. I then had a friend in my late teens, early twenties who had DID. I followed different systems because I wanted to learn about a variety of people's experiences and perspectives on their mental illnesses on tumblr when i was active for many years. I knew what DID was but that wasn't me. was it? I had some recollection of things happening but they seemed very blurry. Details weren't there and only the feelings and physical sensations of those feelings remained. I felt so conflicted inside. Part of me, see, part of me wanted different things then I did. I don't remember exactly how I came to the big conclusion that alters were present, but I did. That's how I met Bree.

After I discovered Bree, I texted my long term psychologist for about 4 years, who I had "graduated" from seeing. I still felt "wrong" but my BPD had been under control at that time, I just needed to practice my skills, we thought. so I texted her and said something like "lol I have alters. help." She invited me back, thankfully she said she has experience and is trained for people who have parts. Which i had a strong feeling but I didnt know why. Turns out she tried part work with me in the past. Maybe 3 years ago. Funny thing is I shut the idea down and deemed it as dumb at the time after naming a few parts that were present in me, off hand, and without care. I totally forgot about that experience until, when I saw her after discovering a few more alters. She pulled out the sheet of my parts which i did years ago and She compared my off hand "parts" then and then she compared them to who I was discovering. All of them matched their initial vague description from the past. I find that absolutely wild but also fascinating and validating.

Typical picture of Bree I found on my snapchat camera roll.

Only artwork I really have from Bree.


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