Isolated and distant.
Craving a familiar face close enough to see it clearly,
scenery will follow suit. Background less fuzzy.
What is the present moment when I can't simply be
Tv static and a heavy fog. Dissociation has a hold on me.
Experiencing dissociation is much like a mix of feeling a buzz when I drink. It's being disoriented yet not being able to see outside of yourself. When you do look up and observe, vision becomes unclear, seeing auras around different people, coloured spots, floaters in your eyes for that moment, words only sound like syllables and sounds, details become blurry. I'm rubbing my eyes constantly but the haziness feels like a part of me. Even in the darkness with my eyes closed, I see movements and it's staticky. I can't move with ease, moving requires energy but mostly coordination. I can't navigate in a world where I can't hear, see or feel anything real. Where my body feels unmovable and when it does move, it's heavy yet elastic and rubbery. I am trapped. Trapped to my own devices. Most times I can't even explain what is going on for me. I can't express with words or signs that this is happening. After a while, I can't focus my eyes on anything else but one spot. I can't look away how hard I try. I am very still, I look so focused on something, I am silent for a few moments and then just like that..... I am gone and we're onto the next. Another part needs to protect and care for me.