Transitioning, Gender Dysphoria and DID
Gender dysphoria I like to define it as feeling uncomfortable with your body because your gender is "nonconforming". Or feelings uncomfortable with social gender roles and not "fitting". (((DISCLAIMER Not all trans people have dysphoria, you don't need to feel uncomfortable in your body to be trans. You are trans if you identify with a different gender than exclusively the one you were assigned at birth))) However, I personally, as well as many of my parts have varying degrees of gender dysphoria for different reasons about different parts of themselves. What else to say about it : it's this awful feeling that holds you back in every way draining your confidence and self esteem.
I've been binding my chest for about 5 years if my memory serves me right. It's a mesh top that is skin tight that, for lack of better words, swishes your chest into being flatter. It feels right to have a flatter chest. What doesn't feel right is the binder itself. It feels like my chest is a sausage in it's casing. Back brain, crushed ribs and organs. Breathing is harder now than it was years ago. It's ruining me but is it worth it? YES I cant imagine my body any other way. I have a large chest and I'm NOT about to wear a bra. Yes I take breaks from binding, I wear a sports bra or looser binders. It's important for everyone who binds to have breaks, when I'm in the house I don't wear it, I take care of my body as much as I can but I NEED to bind. Many of my parts are dysphoric, all different ways. Some of them are trans too. Some are not. Those that aren't dysphoric, I've worked into our system that that's their "job" to do tasks that are too dysphoria inducing for the others.
Now how do I manage our body in physically transitioning from a feminine body to a more masculine one if everyone has a different stand point on it? Well at first I didn't and that caused major problems. I was always taking showers, knowing it was one of a lot of our biggest triggers for gender dysphoria, I would struggle a lot to do it and when I did it, it was just an awful experience before, during and after. Now, I've had "discussions" with Bree who I now know doesn't really care about how the body looks. We've worked into our system that if I CAN'T, Bree will help. She cares more about clothes and accessorising the body in a feminine way. We are drawing on her strengths, her strength that she "works with what she's got". So that is one of her responsibilities. At one point, Bree was unaware of the changes I was making to the body, we are working on communication because when she did find out I started testosterone, she was upset and acting out because she didn't know it was happening. We've learnt to communicate a bit better and to keep at it. It's not just a one time talk, or letting parts know this is what's going to happen, it's an ongoing process and discussion as the body changes. We are not looking to settle to all be unhappy. We are finding a happy medium, that makes everyone feel comfortable or at least not excruciatingly uncomfortable. Through our journal, we write and draw and through art making, we express our feelings and acknowledge others' too.